I don’t know why, but I crocheted a little hat for my bird.

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I had about half a skein of pink variegated embroidery floss left, and I figured if I used it all up, I wouldn’t have to bother putting it away where it belonged.  Plus, Porky needed a hat.  Sorry about the flash.

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Duck hacking again

Lucky here again. Ha ha, she has no clue at all! She keeps messing around with her phone, babbling about authentication and asking the kids if anyone was messing around with her computer.

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Right now she’s outside hosing out the barrels again (I’ll explain), so I flew up to log in. Typing is a little hard with no fingers, but if she can get around with only her feet, I suppose I can figure this out. I’m so much smarter than she is!

Anyway, I’ve been thinking of opening my own Etsy shop. I’ll sell handmade stuff. I know what you’re thinking – I don’t even have any hands, so how can I handmake anything? And my answer is this: You don’t have to really handmake anything to sell it on Etsy. You can have some human with low self esteem or very little power do it for you. Then you just “style” it, whatever that means, and open your own shop. It’s the American way!

Now what can I sell, what can I sell? I’m looking for something people like, and something cheap to make. I don’t care if it’s labor intensive – it’s not MY labor making this stuff. My main human has very low self esteem, so I think I’ve got that thing nailed. I saw her fooling around with some wire and some beads so maybe that’s some stuff I can “style.” And here’s the main question I ask when I’m styling something: Can I make enough cha-ching to buy some mash by selling this junk? If the answer is yes, then that’s what I call style!

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There are probably some technicalities so I’d better make sure I cross my eyes and dot my tees.

In the mean time, why don’t you take a look at what my subjects have been doing around the back yard?

It was the big kid’s birthday a couple of weeks ago and let me tell you: That kid is hard to shop for! No, that kid is hard for who to shop. Hard for whom to shop. Yes, that kid is hard for whom to shop, or something. She was in a pickle. So she got him some pickle barrels.

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When pickle companies buy peppers and cukes to sell from India or Greece or someplace else, they have them ship the veggies over to the US in giant plastic jars. Each jar holds about 55 gallons. These things are honking (get it?) enormous! Then the pickle company puts the pickles in smaller jars and “styles” them with more garlic or some crazy thing, and jacks up the price and sells them to the other humans. Freaky, right? But then they have these giant honking (!) jars sitting around. It would cost too much to ship them back to Greece or India or wherever, so they just trash them. But don’t worry, there are always smart humans around who organize themselves and find a way to make it good.

My particular human found some guy one of those internets that is semi-retired but has a side business selling these honking (!) huge pickle barrels. She gave him some cash and he gave her some barrels, and then she gave them to the big kid for his birthday.

The big kid had been talking about wanting a tunnel for my playground. He loves the tunnels at park playgrounds, but some of the other parents look at him funny because he’s such a big kid and they don’t understand why he wants to play with the little kid stuff. Duh, people, it’s fun. I mean, duh.

But before she could make him a tunnel, she had to clean out the barrels. I mean YUCK, even I noticed the smell. Probably because they’ve been sitting around in their unwashed state in this guys yard for almost a year.  So everybody’s been messing with the hose and the soap and other stuff to get the horrible smell out of here.  It’s really fun even though it’s pretty stinky.  And look what I found in one of the barrels:

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Ew, even I wouldn’t eat that thing.  I mean, of course I tried it, but it was gross.  It’s gone now, don’t worry your pretty head.  I have a pet raccoon that comes over sometimes.  He’s blind in one eye and he’s hungry all the time, so it’s good enough for him.  I know what you’re thinking because my humans tell me all the time.  “Raccoons carry all sorts of diseases.”  “Raccoons eat ducks.”  “The reason we built you that kennel is to protect you from the raccoons.”  But I ask you:  Who protected that raccoon when he got in the fight with the possum and couldn’t climb over the fence to get home?  Me, that’s who.  Plus, I’m impervious to all diseases, I just know it.  Just look at my majesty and you’ll see too.

Sounds like someone’s filling the bathtub, so I’d better go splash around.  Catch ya later!

Well, I finished my rug, but now I don’t like it anymore.

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See?  All done.  But now that I’m finished with it, I decided I don’t like it after all.  And if anybody tries to put it in my kennel, I’ll just freak the heck out all over the place.  Why can’t those humans of mine just leave things the way I liked them?  I suppose I’ll get used to it, but for now, I feel the need to assert myself.  I guess I’ll just have to dominate everyone who comes outside for a few days.  That way they’ll all know I’m still the King of the Back Yard.

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Aww, here’s my favorite human.  I guess he’s alright.

Hacked by the Duck

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‘Scuse me, Lucky here.  While my human subjects are outside messing around in the kennel, I’m strutting my Man Pants in the house.  I got bored, so I hopped up to see what the aged female was doing.  Guess what?  When she forgets to lock the computer, I don’t need a password.  I guess this is my blog now!

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What to say, what to say?  I guess you might want to know I’ve been to the university (NC State) so they can learn about my magnificence.  Everyone there was most impressed with my beauty and majesty, and also the size of my gonads, not that I’m bragging.

They also noticed that I have some parasitic worms in my Contribution, so that’s why my human subjects are out there messing around in my kennel.  They’re replacing the nice mud floor with concrete, as if they think that will stop me from eating anything I like.

I don’t like the way this is looking, to be honest here.  I like having soft things on my toes.  Luckily for me, the aged female human also left some stuff lying around, so I’m going to whip me up a little rug.

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I’ll make it easy on my subjects and use some polyester so they can clean it up easily, because I think I’m going to leave some Contributions on it pretty regularly.  (Get it?  Regularly?)

Pretty good if I say so myself.  I’ll finish this rug later, maybe when I figure out a way to rig me up some opposable thumbs.  I want to head back out to the yard.  But first, I’m going to lock in a new password here and maybe run some corn through the air popper.  Catch you later!

Too Many Snow Days!

My kids are working on day number four of weather-related school closings.  This is right after having Monday off for President’s Day.  Kind of an unplanned nine-day weekend.

Here are a few items recently added to my to-do list:

  • Replace one toilet.  It is not fixable.
  • Stay grateful that we have more than one bathroom.
  • Clean one bag of (formerly) dried barley out of the dryer, which also contains one load of (formerly) wet laundry.
  • Lock children out of my own computer.
  • Run away from home.

No, I’m (mostly) kidding about that last item.

The kids have been a little bit productive this week, writing cleaned up lyrics to Nicki Minaj’s Anaconda.  Here you go:

My Lucky ducky ain’t

My Lucky ducky ain’t

My Lucky ducky ain’t in the mood

Unless you got food, dude.

Oh my gosh,

Look at that duck!

Oh my gosh,

Look at that duck!

Oh my gosh,

Look at that duck!

Oh my gosh,

Look at that duck!

This dude named Lucky

is a very good ducky.

He’s a million times nicer

than the doll Chucky.

He’s really really funny,

and super silly.

He is a good friend,

but his name is not Billy.

And he’s sweet, sweet, sweet.

He’s a bird but he don’t tweet, tweet, tweet.

He’ll sit on my lap like it’s his seat, seat, seat.

Just know to never touch his feet, feet, feet.

Great so far, huh?  Then I went to look up the rest of the lyrics and about fell over.  I sure am glad she sings so fast.  Otherwise I might have heard it on the car radio and had a crash!  Now I understand why the kids like it so much.  It breaks rules in almost every section of the school list-of-violations-and-punishments book.  Obviously, they haven’t been singing the original song around the house beyond the first little bit.  Is there a cleaned-up version?  Yikes!

Time to take a break and give the duck a bath.  Don’t worry, he’s been living in the living room all week.  It’s too cold out there!

Sorry so blurry!
Sorry so blurry!

Crochet amigurumi very fat dog – oops!

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I made a crochet dog for my friend.  This is supposed to look like her dog Bear, but Bear is a much thinner dog.

I already gave this little dog some liposuction (with a crochet hook and a couple of stitches) but she is still way too fat.

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It could have been even worse.  Check out my first try for the legs:

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I used some Gala yarn that I really love.  It’s kind of an eyelash chenille, and it’s perfectly soft for making little animals.  But of course, it’s impossible to see what I’m doing as I crochet along.  I ended up poking my hook through anything that would hold it, and instead of four or five stitches per round, it ended up double that.  So I made new legs, focusing on making them smaller.

I’ll save those huge legs and make something else with them.  Maybe a couple of tiny mice or something like that.  I only have an eensie weensie bit of yarn left, so it will have to be something tiny.

I still need to find some eyes for mini-fat-Bear.  Real Bear has amazing golden eyes.  They are really beautiful, so I’m rooting through my buttons to find something just right.

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I ended up using two buttons layered together for her eyes.  Well, four buttons, I guess.

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Here she is, all fat and jolly!

Clay Menagerie of Friends and Foes

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My younger son will not be outdone by his sister!

He got into the polymer clay and sculpted, baked, and painted himself up a whole little zoo.

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First up is a piranha.  Notice the bloodthirsty mouth.

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Next is the shark.  We can tell it’s a shark because it has two dorsal fins.  Science, boys and girls!

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Moving on into the movies, we have Jabba the Hut and his horrible pet, Salacious Crumb.  I love that little guy.  He’s so icky!

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Here’s a big black spider.

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A blue whale.  He really nailed the shape of the body, I think.

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And now we get a little more personal.  Here’s Porky

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…and Lucky!

The sculpture of Lucky just about started WWIII around here.  My older son spotted the baked-and-cooling duck and banged on it, breaking off the wings.  Not cool at all!  Negotiations ensued and a cease fire (and apology) were issued, and the last of the Sculpey was used to mend the duck.  A few more minutes in the oven and a cooldown under lock and key got everyone back on track.  I think it looks even nicer with the repairs, and it surely is more sturdy.  If the truth must be told (and it must!) the wings were already starting to crack off simply from their own weight before the hostilities.  Most importantly, the boys are back on the best of terms.